If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the show Breaking Bad, it is how all sorts of stuff can easily turn into an obsession: money, power, and even wedding preparations. Yes, wedding preparations. In fact it’s a pity that there wasn’t a single wedding episode in the entire run of the show, which could have blended in well with its theme.
With this said, here is a mash-up of Breaking Bad characters and stereotypical Brides. How will our favorite Breaking Bad characters fare as brides-to-be?
Ms. Walter White
This bride starts with only the most noble of intentions—to stage a memorable wedding for her loved ones. But she loses it along the way. Amidst all the food taste tests, gown fittings, and venue arrangements, she becomes obsessed with total and absolute control. She power-trips her way to the aisle, lies about her weight and girth even to her fiance, and convinces herself that she’s ok despite the sudden appearance of wrinkles on her face.
After collapsing on her wedding day, she redeems herself by giving the most heart-tugging speech about how we should not lose grasp of the things that truly matter—love.
Ms. Jesse Pinkman
This bride is an emotional train-wreck. She cries because the cake tastes awesome and it’s what she’s always dreamed of. She cries because her gown doesn’t fit the first day of fitting. She cries because she can’t have the same wedding date as Mr. and Mrs. Carter. She cries because she’s head-over-heels in love with her soon-to-be-groom and she feels so lucky because her love is more than requited. This bride is endearing at first. but annoying after repeated exposure.
Her tear glands are not able to sustain her emotions. But by wedding day, she’s all poker-faced, something the guests find refreshing.
Ms. Hank Schrader
This bride is a do-gooder. She likes to follow things by the book. She can’t be tempted to go against her law-abiding ways. No more available venues? Get married in a different state and not get entangled with the cutthroat venue-stealing schemes of other couples. Bridesmaid can’t make it to the wedding? Have all the maid-of-honors join a lottery-ish game to determine which one should take the vacant spot as opposed to relying on pure nepotism. This bride is most likely republican.
At the reception, Ms. Hank Schrader drinks one too many bottles of Schraderbrau and ends up stripping in front of the guests in pure and blissful abandon. Everyone enjoys the show except for the groom.
Ms. Saul Goodman
This bride can get really obnoxious. She talks a lot and listens only when she absolutely has to—like when being addressed by Judge Judy or something. During her pre-wedding counseling, she upstages the wedding counselor with her “funny” anecdotes and what-not. The day her fiance proposed to her, she answered with an exaggerated yes before he had the chance to ask the customary question: “will you marry me?” She has a long list of wedding planners who quit on her because of her endless gibberish.
Because of her gift of gab, she is able to convince all her guests to donate to her favorite charity instead of buying wedding gifts.
Ms. Gustavo Fring
This bride is cold, way colder than Sarah Palin’s Alaska. She has a no-nonsense take on things which gives everyone on her wedding planning team and entourage a hard time. It’s so hard to see through her or know what goes on in her head that even her groom doesn’t know why she agreed to marry him in the first place. No one has a friggin’ idea why she insists on rainbow-colored tulips.
She gives the most realistic and practical wedding vow which sounds more like a marriage manifesto.
This bride is far from perfect, at least physically. She limps. She is plagued by involuntary twitches. All these give her wedding planning team a hard time choosing which gown, shoes, and bouquet to best complement her apparent inadequacies. Her groom is worried that she might trip while walking down the aisle and is even more worried that he might unintentionally laugh should this happen.
Ms. Flynn is the sweetest. She has the kind of charm that can put boy-banders to shame. During her wedding march, she doesn’t trip and is able to use her limp to dance to a Bruno Mars song. Her wedding march goes viral.