The Bachelor Meets the Ladies of Downton Abbey


The 18th season of The Bachelor is underway and this time we have 32 year old former professional soccer player from Venezuela as the lucky guy who gets to romance numerous women without being labelled a douchebag. Our guy goes by the name Juan Pablo Galavis, a single dad who’s not only looking for a potential wife but also a mother to his daughter who most likely doesn’t approve of her dad’s way of doing things.

Since the show has already worn out its novelty, this season ABC is shaking things up by partnering with PBS. The outcome is nothing less than a pop culture mash-up of epic proportions.

Who will get smashed on tea? Who will be the queen of the Jacuzzi? Who will be the epitome of English snobbery? Who will steal Juan Pablo Galavis’ heart and eat it raw with fish and chips?

Lo and behold, the ladies of Downton Abbey.

Cora Crawley
Title: Countess of Grantham
Birthdate: July 18, 1868
Hometown: Cincinnati, Ohio
Pet Peeves: Her mother Martha Levinson and gossipy servants
Jacuzzi-readiness: 6 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Violet Crawley
Title: Dowager Countess of Grantham
Birthdate: Sometime in the 1840s
Hometown: Downton, Yorkshire
Pet Peeves: Phone rings, swivel chairs, and all things modern
Jacuzzi-readiness: 1 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Mary Crawley
Title: Lady Mary
Birthdate: Sometime in 1891
Hometown: Downton, Yorkshire
Pet Peeves: The entail and being upstaged by her sisters
Jacuzzi-readiness: 6 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Edith Crawley
Title: Lady Edith
Birthdate: Sometime in 1892
Hometown: Downton, Yorkshire
Pet Peeves: Her sister Mary and runaway grooms
Jacuzzi-readiness: 7 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Sybil Crawley
Title: Lady Sybil/Nurse Crawley
Birthdate: Sometime in 1896
Hometown: Downton, Yorkshire
Pet Peeves: Sexism and difficult labour
Jacuzzi-readiness: 8 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Elsie Hughes
Title: Head Housekeeper
Birthdate: Sometime in 1862
Hometown: Argyll, Scotland
Pet Peeves: Sentimentality and cancer scare
Jacuzzi-readiness: 2 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Beryl Patmore
Title: Head Cook
Birthdate: Unknown
Hometown: Unknown
Pet Peeves: Substandard food, cataracts, and talks about the war
Jacuzzi-readiness: 4 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Sarah O’Brien
Title: Lady’s Maid
Birthdate: Unknown
Hometown: Unknown
Pet Peeves: Bates and soap bars
Jacuzzi-readiness: 6 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Anna Smith
Title: Lady’s Maid/Head Housemaid
Birthdate: Sometime in 1886
Hometown: Downton, Yorkshire
Pet Peeves: Ex-wives and men who force themselves to women
Jacuzzi-readiness: 4 out of 10
Tattoos: None

Gwen Dawson
Title: Under Housemaid
Birthdate: Unknown
Hometown: Unknown
Pet Peeves: Her work and nosy Miss O’Brien
Jacuzzi-readiness: 8 out of 10
Tattoos: None


First Rose Ceremony

Juan Pablo arrives in Downton Abbey and is taken by the ladies’ period garb. He had never felt this sophisticated; he has gone a long way from spending way too much time in locker rooms with guys in jockstraps.
He notices that there are four obvious factions in the house: the nobility, the servants, the young and the old. Juan Pablo likes this because variety gets him off.
If there is one thing these ladies share in common, it has to be their penchant for gossip. The servants talk about their miladies, the miladies talk about each other, while Pablo is left talking to Chris Harrison, the host. Because he can’t understand the ladies’ friggin’ English accent and vice versa.
Juan Pablo randomly gives his roses.

The thank-you ladies: Cora Crawley, Sybil Crawley, Sarah O’Brien, Gwen Dawson

Group Dates

Juan Pablo divides the remaining ladies in two groups: the young comprised of Edith, Sybil, and Anna; and the old, which includes Violet, Elsie, and Beryl.
He takes the young group to Disneyland where the ladies in their period outfit are mistaken for Disney actors. Visitors ask to have pictures taken with them. At first Mary enjoys the attention but when she finds out why it is so, she takes it as an insult to her noble upbringing and starts to put on airs. Edith and Anna, on the other hand, are absolute troopers.

Juan Pablo takes the old group to a soccer game. He explains this game is very much like cricket, but more badass. Violet enjoys the game because she’s able to shout backhanded insults to the players. Beryl enjoys the hotdogs. Elsie wishes she were at home doing laundry.
Juan Pablo ends up snogging with Violet, in a way that is more French than English.

The thank-you ladies: Mary Crawley and Elsie Hughes

One-on-One Dates

Juan Pablo takes Edith to a Miley Cyrus concert where she blushes the whole time despite her claim to being progressive. He takes Anna to a pottery class because she just has to do something with her hands. He introduces Beryl to the simple delights offered at White Castle. He takes Violet to see The Tonight Show.
Juan Pablo hits second base with all of them.

The thank-you lady: Edith Crawley

Homecoming/Meet the Family

Juan Pablo meets the rest of the Crawleys, including Violet’s son Robert who is visibly upset with his mother’s unruly behaviour, which seems way out of character. It does not help that Cora, Mary, Edith, and Sybil are also there giving him the cold shoulder while sipping on their absinthe-spiked tea. He has always fancied himself more of a naughty E.L. James character and now he finds himself lost in a haughty Jane Austen novel.

Anna’s family is accommodating, especially her husband Tom Bates who happens to be an ex-convict. Thankfully, our Juan Pablo is too thick to recognize the danger in and complexity of the situation, so he gets to merrily drink Bates’ wine and merrily eat Bates’ bread, hoping by the end of the night he could merrily sleep with Bates’ wife.
Beryl’s family members are all foodies. They serve the most awesome dinner, which Juan Pablo finds rather alarming because he is intent to keep his washboard abs.

The thank-you lady: Beryl Patmore

The Proposal

Juan Pablo is distraught because he can’t make up his mind as to whether he should choose sweet and young, but married Anna Smith or the aged but spritely and widowed Violet Crawley. He cries in front of the camera, mumbling words that are yet to be recognized by Oxford, while being consoled by the host Chris Harrison who keeps caressing his bulging biceps (because that’s how guys console other guys).
Finally he makes his choice. He goes for Violet because in his heart, he’s really just a boy in need of a grandma’s love. He will eventually be credited for the breakthrough concept called GMILF.

He kneels down in front of Violet and commences his speech borrowed from Shia LaBeouf who borrowed from the rapper T.I. Before he gets to pop the question, Violet declares she doesn’t want to marry him.

Upon hearing Violet’s rejection, Juan Pablo’s face becomes like that of a man who woke up after he had been vasectomized in his sleep. Violet notices this and utters one of her famous quips.

“Don’t be defeatist, dear, it’s very middle class.”

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